just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
