I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
