i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
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I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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