how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
