The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
