I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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