the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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