Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
