i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How does one acquire holy water?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
