I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
