I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
