I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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