I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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