Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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