How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
