I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize