Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize