So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
