I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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