My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
