I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
