Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
