I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
