remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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