I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
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Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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