party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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