I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I think a kid would responsible me up
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
