I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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