Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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