I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
