if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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