dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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