God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave