You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.