nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
