Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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