mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
