I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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