just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
