Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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