I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
