my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im holly from the hills drunk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
