I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
