she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize