I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
