I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
