First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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