My liver just broke up with me...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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