I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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