Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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