I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
