Your dad touched me again.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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