The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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