she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
