i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
