Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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