Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i love accidental penises.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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