When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
