I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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