Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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