After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
