so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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